Today is a big milestone—my oldest daughter’s 15th birthday. As I sit and reflect on the journey of parenting, I find myself thinking about the monumental shift that happens when you stop raising kids and start raising adults. It’s easy to get caught up in teaching kids how to follow the rules, but what happens when the rules change, or when there’s no one left enforcing them? That’s where raising adults comes in—giving them the tools to navigate life independently, responsibly, and confidently.
It wasn’t an overnight realization, but a slow evolution of thought that started with a speaker’s story about parenting in recovery. His rule for his teens? No drugs or alcohol in the house, and no coming home high or drunk. When his son complained that dad was “too strict,” the conversation shifted into something eye-opening. The dad asked, “Why do criminals have trouble with the law?” The answer: because the law stops them from doing what they want. For those living within the rules, the law doesn’t feel restrictive—it’s just the framework for society.
This idea, about rules being a reflection of what we want to do, flipped my perspective on parenting entirely. If a kid thinks a rule is too strict, it’s often because they want to do something the rule says they shouldn’t. That simple truth is at the heart of why rules matter—not just for controlling behavior, but for teaching kids how to make thoughtful decisions about their actions and their consequences.
How Raising Adults Looks in Real Life
Raising adults means moving away from the idea of managing children. It’s about treating kids like the future grown-ups they are. Here are some of the ways we’re making this shift in our home:
1. Giving Them Control Over Their Money
We’ve started letting our younger kids earn their own money—from helping bag purchases at the butcher shop to dusting grandma’s house. They also get $10 for good report cards (as long as it’s all As and Bs), providing a recurring income tied to effort and application. The catch? They’re in total control of how they spend it.
This freedom has already sparked life lessons. My son, after just two report card periods, admitted he doesn’t like wasting his money anymore. He’s learning firsthand that once it’s gone, the extras stop. No amount of lectures about financial responsibility could teach him as effectively as this experience has.
2. Natural Consequences Over Punishments
Instead of relying on manufactured punishments, we let natural consequences do the teaching whenever possible. Don’t want to eat the meal served? Bring your own food next time. Say something hurtful to a sibling? We’ll approach you like we would an adult who crossed the line—calmly, but with clear accountability.
And then there’s the growling dog scenario. If I say “don’t mess with the dog,” and the kids do anyway, the dog’s nip becomes the lesson. It’s simple, effective, and far more impactful than grounding or lecturing.
3. Responsibility Equals Privilege
When the kids don’t help out—cleaning their rooms, putting up laundry, making sure dirty clothes get to the wash—they don’t get invited to participate in family fun. Privileges, after all, are earned. And if they want to be treated like full members of the family, they have to act like it.
4. Teaching Them to Think Like Adults
Whenever a rule gets broken or a disagreement arises, I try to approach it the way I would with another adult. Why did they make that choice? What do they think the outcome should be? How can we move forward? It’s not about coddling or controlling—it’s about fostering accountability and problem-solving skills.
The Difference This Makes
Raising adults means helping kids learn how to handle the real world—not just the controlled bubble of childhood. It’s teaching them to think critically, take responsibility, and make decisions with an eye toward the long-term consequences.
Does this approach make parenting easier? Not always. There are days when I want to revert to the old methods—to snap, “Because I said so!” and move on. But the effort pays off in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Seeing my kids take ownership of their choices, their emotions, and their futures reminds me why this shift matters.
At 15 years old, my daughter is inching closer to adulthood every day. And while I know she’s not quite there yet, my hope is that when the time comes, she’ll step into the world ready to navigate it—not as a child in grown-up clothes, but as an adult who knows her place in the bigger picture.
What’s Your Take?
How do you approach parenting? Are you raising kids or raising adults? Pull up a chair and let’s talk about it—because every perspective brings us closer to figuring out this crazy, beautiful challenge of parenthood.
